Sitting down on the job
In Germany, and I stand (or sit) to be corrected on this by my German readers, there's a big push to get men to pee sitting down.
And although this is actually a serious public health message, I do have to say hats off to them for totally embracing toilet humour! - Translation: Ganz falsch-completely wrong. Fast richting-almost right. Ganz richtig-completely right.
But you know what, once you get past the usual alpha-male posturing, this is actually not a bad idea.
Because since the beginning of time, men have peed standing up.
And since the beginning of time, men have peed everywhere except straight into the porcelain.
But here's the thing, it's not actually our fault. It's because the willy is not a perfectly engineered piece of kit. Sure, plenty of blokes might have you believe that, and they might even think so themselves, but let's get real here, and understand that contrary to fifty percent of world opinion, it is actually impossible (for a male) to pee in a straight line, and it's equally impossible to predict your pee's direction of travel, due to the diabolical random chip that seems to be embedded into our male urinary makeup.
And it's not just that it'll never come out in a straight line, it's also that you absolutely have no way of knowing exactly where it will go. Sometimes it's left, sometimes right, up, down, in fact, any direction apart from where you're aiming, and it definitely won't be in the same direction as the last time, whatever that was. The midstream urine direction of travel is more unpredictable than an Enigma machine on steroids.
And that's before we start talking about collateral damage from spashback.
And that's also before we start throwing middle of the night, half asleep trips to the toilet into the mix.
And that's also way before we start chucking alcohol in there as well.
Granted, even when it's going in a straight line, our aim could be better at times, but all of this just absolutely reinforces that when all is said and done, the Germans really have hit the nail on the head this time.
And let's face it, the 70's-80's British obsession with carpeting toilets and bathrooms was just plain wrong. I mean, really, what on earth were we thinking?
It's the culture shock to end all culture shocks, but once you get through that, the whole idea makes lots of sense.
And if you're the poor unfortunate soul who has to clean the toilets, you'll know exactly what I mean.
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